My Story (Continued)

Hi again — and thank you for being here.

It’s hard to know where to begin, really. I’ve been saying to myself, “There has to be more to life than this,” since I was about 15. Like many of us, I tried everything to escape suffering and find peace — different jobs, different relationships, different versions of “me.”

Early on, I stumbled into the world of self-help. One of the first people I discovered was Anthony Robbins, and for a while, I felt hopeful that change was possible. That led to years of exploring other teachers — Eckhart Tolle, Mel Robbins, Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, Esther and Jerry Hicks, the Law of Attraction... you name it, I tried it. I read endlessly, looking for that one thing that would finally work.

But despite all the effort, I still felt exhausted, bored, and searching for something else.

I tried outdoor education thinking, “This is it,” and worked as an instructor at Blackland Farm. Again, the anxiety followed me. I never felt “good enough.” Still, I met someone, felt happy for a while. I applied for a mental health nursing degree — but I didn’t get in.

Instead, I was accepted onto a pilot course in learning disability nursing through an advert in the Evening Chronicle. It was hard. A struggle. My relationship was tense — lots of arguing. I was jealous, moody, and I didn’t know how to express my feelings or be vulnerable.

I hated nursing, but I had to finish it — to prove to myself (and to others) that I could complete something.

In 2004, I completed my nursing degree and went straight into studying Drama. I broke up with my partner — it was messy and “on and off” for a while.

Doing the drama degree was like entering a different world. It opened me up to stories and ideas I connected with — Beckett’s work, Waiting for Godot and Not I. But whether it was a breakdown or something else, everything became too much. I lost touch with reality for a few days and ended up in an inpatient mental health ward. I felt completely detached from everything. Luckily for me after a day ‘I came back to earth’.

I remember thinking I’m going to be trapped in here for ever and never feel freedom again. I was looking out of one of the windows in the unit and there was a beautiful sunset.

 I wanted out but it took two weeks, which felt like a lifetime - until I was discharged — “functioning” again — but the deeper issues remained untouched. The psychiatrist told me “Just put it down to experience”. They didn’t know what had happened either.  

I went back to my drama degree, but transferred from Northumbria University to Gateshead College, where a friend was studying. I completed the degree and went on to do a teacher training course so I could teach A-Level Drama. I was exhausted everyday dragging myself out of the door and piling up a lot of debt.

But there wasn’t much work, and I still felt inadequate.

Eventually, I got a job at the National Careers Service — low pay, despite having two degrees and a postgraduate certificate in education.

I felt destroyed.

I trudged into work each day, losing money if I was late — and I was regularly late.

Around that time — I think it was 2013 — I discovered the Lefkoe Process.

It helped me uncover and name limiting beliefs that had shaped my entire way of seeing the world. I decided to return to nursing and in 2014 I completed a return-to-nursing course.

Since then, I worked four years as a community learning disability nurse, which was my goal and I achieved it, then I became bored and depressed. I took some time off.

I completed a non-surgical aesthetics post graduate diploma and completed a non-medical prescribing qualification. I paid off my debts and worked as a community mental health nurse as a band 5 and then as a band 6 and married my long term friend.

I thought: This is it — I’ll set up a business, be my own boss, finally feel free.

But it didn’t go that way. After five years, I still only a handful of clients.

So in June 20^th 2025, I left my job as a community mental health nurse. People say that takes courage — and maybe it does. But the truth is, I’ve been sleeping most days since then. I’m not doing much. I feel low.

Yes, I’ve been doing The Work — questioning thoughts, sitting with painful beliefs. But sometimes I wonder: Is this just another quick fix I’m hoping will save me?

I’ve been through so many already. Yoga. Meditation. Self-help books. The Lefkoe Process. Starting businesses. Changing careers. Searching for meaning. Wanting to be someone extraordinary — or at least feel okay.

I keep thinking, There has to be more to life than this. But what if there isn’t? Or what if there is — but I’ve trained myself never to feel it, to always be reaching?

And then another thought hits: Is there something wrong with me?

Maybe I have never truly gotten rid of beliefs that keep me feeling this way.

This isn’t a post with answers. This is a post from the middle of it. The grey bit. The ache. The part where I don’t know if this is healing or hiding.

I’m still here, questioning. Not just the thoughts — but the process. The patterns. Even the belief that “doing the work” means I should be feeling better by now.

If you’re here too — tired, unsure, still looking — you’re not alone. This blog is where I’m being honest about what it’s really like. No forced optimism. Just curiosity. maybe the next step is to join with others sharing this process and then maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for.